Definately May

....and I cant wait! Has anyone noticed the Harley Hauler in my parking lot space? It was brought here for me to take my time and fill it up. Im hoping to be outta here on May 13th. Danielle graduate Cum Laude from Edinboro on the 12th. My parents will be here the week before. My nephew, Jeffrey will be coming home from California for a few days before they send him to Kuwait....Im dreading that. He will be driving truck from Kuwait into Bagdad. Anyone reading this, please pray for his safety.
The work on the big ole Victorian house that will be Garys and my home is coming along very well. We worked in the yard together on Saturday. I just loved it! The looks we exchanged were worth a thousand words. We are both very very happy with our choice. For the first time, for me anyway, we have adult couple friends that we go out to dinner with. We have people calling us that say when I get moved into town they want to set up dinner dates with us. We have only been biking just the two of us, but we have friends that have bikes too. So when Garys back heals that will be another thing to look forward to.
Im laying in bed right now fighting the flu so I have definately been slown down. I have got to get things organized...Garys back surgery on the 3rd, Danielles graduation on the 12th ....Im sure Derrick wont be talking to me enough to need my helping moving back to his dads. and I wish this damned leg infection would clear up....I have been battling this since November. Maybe this bout with the flu is Gods way of saying lay down with your foot off and heal. It still sucks.
well new thoughts another day.......

Maybe May

Well it looks as though it may be a couple months before I move. I will miss this town house. My first home. A place my children and I have enjoyed....especially Danielle and I. Derrick really hasn't spent all that much time together.
I know that Gary and I will definitely miss this house! Our hide away....our place to escape the rest of the world. Many wonderful memories....dancing in the kitchen...taxi rides from Sarah's....Mexican food and drinks....our first Christmas. Our view of the lake and grilling steaks on the patio in the winter. Dominic's on Sunday morning.......Gary tells me that we'll escape to Erie on Saturdays...get a motel and enjoy our favorite places! Hes a wonderful man.

Where Do I Start Again?

I have set down to write a new entry at least tens times in the past month and I just cant seem to separate my thoughts enough to write clearly. So if this sounds like a jumbled mess, I apologize now.
What a year this has been! Celeste, even though this has been a tumultuous one for our friendship, I do owe a lot to you in helping me to decide to take control of my life. For offering your help originally in my move and helping me to realize that was truly in an unhealthy situation. I do miss you....and I will miss you when I move on to the next phase in my life.
I will be moving back to Cherry Creek. Into a big old victorian house, that will become Garys and my home. The move will cause great discomfort for my exhusband....I feel badly about that but I cant let that stand in my way. I have never been treated with such love and respect from any man as I have from Gary. I cant lose that...Im not getting younger!
Gary and I enjoy so many of the same thing. I am really thrilled that he encourages me to enjoy the music that I was my life when I was younger and had to give up for the last 20+ years except for when my husband wasnt home. I am encouraged to paint and draw and sing and I dont get laughed at or discouraged.....and I laugh! Oh Lord! How wonderful to laugh! I truly thought I had forgotten how to laugh a real laugh. I found myself the past several years screeching a forced lauigh that was too loud and too sharp. My laughs are real and spontanious and natural now.
Packing will be a chore as I am still having a hard time with my leg not healing. At least now I dont have the presure of trying to find a job. I have worked so hard for the past 7 years to not be disabled but it will be easier on this worn out old body of mine to be legally labeled as such. Maybe I can start some sort of small business or someting to keep me busy and earn a little extra money. I will now be able to keep my car, pay for it myself and do as I please and enjoy life with a big ole lovable teddy bear to love and care for each other and have fun and laugh together. Someone to share good and bad without blame and added pain. Life is good.....God is good! Thank you Lord! You have blessed me! I know with your guidance my children will enjoy their lives and choices as well. I pray that you will also guide Scott to a happy life instead of the bitter one he has been living. In there somewhere is a good person...I know that...I remember that man. I just hope he can remember that part of himself and salvage the rest of his life and be happy and content also.

What A Week!

I just spent an interesting week away from home...and at what may possibly be my next home.
I rather enjoyed it....most of it. It was odd being back in Cherry Creek...I did get a different view of it all. The town and the people.
Hmmmmm........

Almost One Year.......

Well, I have been trying to formulate what I wanted to say today in my head and I have come to the conclusion that maybe for a few days I just may wanna shoot from the hip and let her rip without thinking. After all, thinking things through and analyzing each step hasn't always netted me the best return!

I have returned to blogging because of my shrink....an amazing person to have in your corner. She has not let me down. She has encouraged me to continue helping others by learning from some of life's hard knocks that have been thrown upon me and hopefully putting some softer gloves on the punches that may be being thrown at them. Maybe I should explain. On December 11th, on my way to a job interview, I was in an automobile accident. A young man pulled off a side street right in front of me. Over $7000 damage done to my beautiful black Toyota. I was sick about my car (believe me I have a problem if people just park too close to it!), but the real problem came from post traumatic stress that I have already been trying to deal with. Besides the obvious physical damage my body has endured, there is a real problem with the emotional bashing I have gone through through the years. The accident set off a hysteria that I knew if I could talk with my psychologist, I may have been able to get calmed without medication. The local ER however, kept telling me they didn't know how to contact my psychologist, and medicated me instead. The problem I had with this was, that my psychologist is on the staff of this hospital, and I knew was in her office at this time. I have enough meds in my system....I didn't want one more. I wanted to use the tool that God has given all of us ( to varying degrees! lol) to use. My brain. I know it is not the brightest of all brains but it is mine and if it can be prompted to use for the good of myself, I would like to take advantage of that! After a conversation with the head of psychological services for the hospital and a letter to the CEO of the hospital, I have learned through phone calls and letters, that a list of phone numbers and names of all the psychologists on staff are located at all stations in the hospital including ER! Why in the world would the hospital want to employ these people and not want to take advantage of their expertise!? (Maybe they could use a trip to one of their psychologists!)

I left my husband of 26 years this year. (The judge signed the final divorce papers on January 9th, 2007. Yea me!!) A man who has physically and emotionally added to the abuse I have dealt with in these 46 years of my life. Since April 1st of last year, I have had much time to contemplate on many many things. Sometimes, too much time. I was encouraged to get myself out that life by many and rightly so. Some I thought were my friends, some turned out to truly be my friends. The ones I thought were my friends, and were not, have added to the emotional abuse. They have left me questioning my worth. Thankfully, the ones who truly were my friends have stepped up and have helped to nurture me physically and emotionally. I miss some of those who I thought were friends. I would still be a friend to them...if they were to allow themselves to be so gracious as to not to find threat where there is none! I have discovered this year, that those whom you think are the strongest emotionally are probably not what they seem. It is all a false facade that they learned long long ago to put up to protect themselves, and when made to face that, the only way they can deal with it is to lash out and hurt others instead of looking deeper into themselves and become stronger from what they see. Instead they choose the easier path that in the long run is not what their own psyche truly needs. For that i am sad. Believe me, I have had to look at myself long and hard this year. I have done some things I am not proud of, but some that were necessary. Some things that should have been done in different order, that could have netted the same result but without hurting others and myself in the long run. I believe that some of those things were taken out of my hands and forced by God so that myself and others could learn necessary life lessons.

So here it is. I have been away from my hometown and my old life for 10 1/2 months now. I have no job. No income. I am relying on my boyfriend, children and parents for financial support. I hate it! That part sucks!! I have sent out well over 100 resumes and job applications. Gone on so many interviews that Ive lost count. Found out that for many positions here in Erie there are over 300 replies to one job position. This city that i thought was in a turn around with the new administration needs much a more time effort before it becomes a viable place to live, at least for me. I still think this is one of the most beautiful cities around. I holds many beautiful memories that Gary and I have made together here. That is part of the reason, I am hesitant to leave and go back home. Gary and I thought maybe we would make our lives together here. I needed to find a good job, with the health benefits we both need. He would find a job, maybe as a service writer for a local garage and then sell his business. He is legally separated from his wife, (they have that in NYS) and will be divorced in less than a year. We have much we are looking forward to together. I have never been treated with so much love and respect from one person as I have with him. The thing that he needs to get past is the guilt he feels for the way he left his wife. He has wanted to leave her for over 10 years...how sad...they had been married for twelve. How sad to know that literally days after you married someone that you had just made a mistake, but had such little self esteem that you endured years of misery that you thought you deserved it......I truly understand that. We both need to get past that guilt...those that have professed to have been so in love with us should not have been the cause of our abuse and low self worth all these years. That is not love. He is a wonderful with much to offer this world, I am glad he is starting to see that. I am lucky to have this man, this gentle giant, in my life and loving me. He has made all of this worth while. I adore him for what he is and what he sees in me and encourages me to see in myself and I try to encourage in himself. In my old life, I would say 'If Im allowed' in this life I say 'Im encouraged to...'! How refreshing! For two people who have admired each other and yes lusted after each other for years, to be able to be together and share their lives is a wonderful gift! Its fate. It has to be. We were so comfortable together so quickly it has taken us both by surprise.

Well maybe I have rambled through this but it feels good. I'll see what the rest of the day brings.

Contentment

Well here we are in the middle of the second month of the new year and I am very thankful. I have a man that loves me unconditionally and most of all respects me... and I him! I still have not found a job but somehow I am more at peace than I have been in years. I cant explain it. I am content and happy even though I know there is still so much up in the air with finances and living arrangements and so forth....strange. God has bestowed upon me contentment .... its a wonderful gift. I just know everything will be okay.

Lifes A Ball!

Well I tell you ....just when you think you cant handle one more thing, God says, 'Sure you can! her, deal with this too!' Well thanks to my parents, my car has been saved from being repo-ed this month anyway...... However, I still have no job and my funds end this week. I finally got my husband to agree to a divorce settlement but I cant get any money til after the begining of December. Does anyone need someone to work for them? Lets pray that job interview I have on Monday is successful! I truly need it.......if I dont keep laughing... Im gonna cry!