Almost One Year.......
Well, I have been trying to formulate what I wanted to say today in my head and I have come to the conclusion that maybe for a few days I just may wanna shoot from the hip and let her rip without thinking. After all, thinking things through and analyzing each step hasn't always netted me the best return!
I have returned to blogging because of my shrink....an amazing person to have in your corner. She has not let me down. She has encouraged me to continue helping others by learning from some of life's hard knocks that have been thrown upon me and hopefully putting some softer gloves on the punches that may be being thrown at them. Maybe I should explain. On December 11th, on my way to a job interview, I was in an automobile accident. A young man pulled off a side street right in front of me. Over $7000 damage done to my beautiful black Toyota. I was sick about my car (believe me I have a problem if people just park too close to it!), but the real problem came from post traumatic stress that I have already been trying to deal with. Besides the obvious physical damage my body has endured, there is a real problem with the emotional bashing I have gone through through the years. The accident set off a hysteria that I knew if I could talk with my psychologist, I may have been able to get calmed without medication. The local ER however, kept telling me they didn't know how to contact my psychologist, and medicated me instead. The problem I had with this was, that my psychologist is on the staff of this hospital, and I knew was in her office at this time. I have enough meds in my system....I didn't want one more. I wanted to use the tool that God has given all of us ( to varying degrees! lol) to use. My brain. I know it is not the brightest of all brains but it is mine and if it can be prompted to use for the good of myself, I would like to take advantage of that! After a conversation with the head of psychological services for the hospital and a letter to the CEO of the hospital, I have learned through phone calls and letters, that a list of phone numbers and names of all the psychologists on staff are located at all stations in the hospital including ER! Why in the world would the hospital want to employ these people and not want to take advantage of their expertise!? (Maybe they could use a trip to one of their psychologists!)
I left my husband of 26 years this year. (The judge signed the final divorce papers on January 9th, 2007. Yea me!!) A man who has physically and emotionally added to the abuse I have dealt with in these 46 years of my life. Since April 1st of last year, I have had much time to contemplate on many many things. Sometimes, too much time. I was encouraged to get myself out that life by many and rightly so. Some I thought were my friends, some turned out to truly be my friends. The ones I thought were my friends, and were not, have added to the emotional abuse. They have left me questioning my worth. Thankfully, the ones who truly were my friends have stepped up and have helped to nurture me physically and emotionally. I miss some of those who I thought were friends. I would still be a friend to them...if they were to allow themselves to be so gracious as to not to find threat where there is none! I have discovered this year, that those whom you think are the strongest emotionally are probably not what they seem. It is all a false facade that they learned long long ago to put up to protect themselves, and when made to face that, the only way they can deal with it is to lash out and hurt others instead of looking deeper into themselves and become stronger from what they see. Instead they choose the easier path that in the long run is not what their own psyche truly needs. For that i am sad. Believe me, I have had to look at myself long and hard this year. I have done some things I am not proud of, but some that were necessary. Some things that should have been done in different order, that could have netted the same result but without hurting others and myself in the long run. I believe that some of those things were taken out of my hands and forced by God so that myself and others could learn necessary life lessons.
So here it is. I have been away from my hometown and my old life for 10 1/2 months now. I have no job. No income. I am relying on my boyfriend, children and parents for financial support. I hate it! That part sucks!! I have sent out well over 100 resumes and job applications. Gone on so many interviews that Ive lost count. Found out that for many positions here in Erie there are over 300 replies to one job position. This city that i thought was in a turn around with the new administration needs much a more time effort before it becomes a viable place to live, at least for me. I still think this is one of the most beautiful cities around. I holds many beautiful memories that Gary and I have made together here. That is part of the reason, I am hesitant to leave and go back home. Gary and I thought maybe we would make our lives together here. I needed to find a good job, with the health benefits we both need. He would find a job, maybe as a service writer for a local garage and then sell his business. He is legally separated from his wife, (they have that in NYS) and will be divorced in less than a year. We have much we are looking forward to together. I have never been treated with so much love and respect from one person as I have with him. The thing that he needs to get past is the guilt he feels for the way he left his wife. He has wanted to leave her for over 10 years...how sad...they had been married for twelve. How sad to know that literally days after you married someone that you had just made a mistake, but had such little self esteem that you endured years of misery that you thought you deserved it......I truly understand that. We both need to get past that guilt...those that have professed to have been so in love with us should not have been the cause of our abuse and low self worth all these years. That is not love. He is a wonderful with much to offer this world, I am glad he is starting to see that. I am lucky to have this man, this gentle giant, in my life and loving me. He has made all of this worth while. I adore him for what he is and what he sees in me and encourages me to see in myself and I try to encourage in himself. In my old life, I would say 'If Im allowed' in this life I say 'Im encouraged to...'! How refreshing! For two people who have admired each other and yes lusted after each other for years, to be able to be together and share their lives is a wonderful gift! Its fate. It has to be. We were so comfortable together so quickly it has taken us both by surprise.
Well maybe I have rambled through this but it feels good. I'll see what the rest of the day brings.
I have returned to blogging because of my shrink....an amazing person to have in your corner. She has not let me down. She has encouraged me to continue helping others by learning from some of life's hard knocks that have been thrown upon me and hopefully putting some softer gloves on the punches that may be being thrown at them. Maybe I should explain. On December 11th, on my way to a job interview, I was in an automobile accident. A young man pulled off a side street right in front of me. Over $7000 damage done to my beautiful black Toyota. I was sick about my car (believe me I have a problem if people just park too close to it!), but the real problem came from post traumatic stress that I have already been trying to deal with. Besides the obvious physical damage my body has endured, there is a real problem with the emotional bashing I have gone through through the years. The accident set off a hysteria that I knew if I could talk with my psychologist, I may have been able to get calmed without medication. The local ER however, kept telling me they didn't know how to contact my psychologist, and medicated me instead. The problem I had with this was, that my psychologist is on the staff of this hospital, and I knew was in her office at this time. I have enough meds in my system....I didn't want one more. I wanted to use the tool that God has given all of us ( to varying degrees! lol) to use. My brain. I know it is not the brightest of all brains but it is mine and if it can be prompted to use for the good of myself, I would like to take advantage of that! After a conversation with the head of psychological services for the hospital and a letter to the CEO of the hospital, I have learned through phone calls and letters, that a list of phone numbers and names of all the psychologists on staff are located at all stations in the hospital including ER! Why in the world would the hospital want to employ these people and not want to take advantage of their expertise!? (Maybe they could use a trip to one of their psychologists!)
I left my husband of 26 years this year. (The judge signed the final divorce papers on January 9th, 2007. Yea me!!) A man who has physically and emotionally added to the abuse I have dealt with in these 46 years of my life. Since April 1st of last year, I have had much time to contemplate on many many things. Sometimes, too much time. I was encouraged to get myself out that life by many and rightly so. Some I thought were my friends, some turned out to truly be my friends. The ones I thought were my friends, and were not, have added to the emotional abuse. They have left me questioning my worth. Thankfully, the ones who truly were my friends have stepped up and have helped to nurture me physically and emotionally. I miss some of those who I thought were friends. I would still be a friend to them...if they were to allow themselves to be so gracious as to not to find threat where there is none! I have discovered this year, that those whom you think are the strongest emotionally are probably not what they seem. It is all a false facade that they learned long long ago to put up to protect themselves, and when made to face that, the only way they can deal with it is to lash out and hurt others instead of looking deeper into themselves and become stronger from what they see. Instead they choose the easier path that in the long run is not what their own psyche truly needs. For that i am sad. Believe me, I have had to look at myself long and hard this year. I have done some things I am not proud of, but some that were necessary. Some things that should have been done in different order, that could have netted the same result but without hurting others and myself in the long run. I believe that some of those things were taken out of my hands and forced by God so that myself and others could learn necessary life lessons.
So here it is. I have been away from my hometown and my old life for 10 1/2 months now. I have no job. No income. I am relying on my boyfriend, children and parents for financial support. I hate it! That part sucks!! I have sent out well over 100 resumes and job applications. Gone on so many interviews that Ive lost count. Found out that for many positions here in Erie there are over 300 replies to one job position. This city that i thought was in a turn around with the new administration needs much a more time effort before it becomes a viable place to live, at least for me. I still think this is one of the most beautiful cities around. I holds many beautiful memories that Gary and I have made together here. That is part of the reason, I am hesitant to leave and go back home. Gary and I thought maybe we would make our lives together here. I needed to find a good job, with the health benefits we both need. He would find a job, maybe as a service writer for a local garage and then sell his business. He is legally separated from his wife, (they have that in NYS) and will be divorced in less than a year. We have much we are looking forward to together. I have never been treated with so much love and respect from one person as I have with him. The thing that he needs to get past is the guilt he feels for the way he left his wife. He has wanted to leave her for over 10 years...how sad...they had been married for twelve. How sad to know that literally days after you married someone that you had just made a mistake, but had such little self esteem that you endured years of misery that you thought you deserved it......I truly understand that. We both need to get past that guilt...those that have professed to have been so in love with us should not have been the cause of our abuse and low self worth all these years. That is not love. He is a wonderful with much to offer this world, I am glad he is starting to see that. I am lucky to have this man, this gentle giant, in my life and loving me. He has made all of this worth while. I adore him for what he is and what he sees in me and encourages me to see in myself and I try to encourage in himself. In my old life, I would say 'If Im allowed' in this life I say 'Im encouraged to...'! How refreshing! For two people who have admired each other and yes lusted after each other for years, to be able to be together and share their lives is a wonderful gift! Its fate. It has to be. We were so comfortable together so quickly it has taken us both by surprise.
Well maybe I have rambled through this but it feels good. I'll see what the rest of the day brings.
posted by ShelleyL | 7:48 AM
1 Comments:
if someone has one true friend in they're lifetime, the are truely fortunate. "i thank the lord for the people i have found."-E.J.
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