OH! That reality!!!

I should have been paying closer attention! It is unbelievable how many times in the past month I have thought and sometimes dwelled upon the concept of, "What the hell was I thinking?!" If I think about things too much ie. job, bills, divorce, I become so incredibly frightened. I cant sleep and I cant eat, however, my clothes are looking better on me! I have never felt so alone in my entire life. Believe me, I more than understand that feeling. I have been the boring geek for most of my 45 years. It actually scares me to be too much more than that. Everytime I step out of that neatly formed box, somethings jumps at me and scares me right back toward it. The bad thing I have been finding myself doing is falling into a complacency that I can hide in, for a while anyway. That complacency however is only making my situation worse. By my hiding here alone, I am making no money, nor any friends or contacts. I have to make those small moments of my bravery to step out of my normal box of protection more of a life style. I know not everyone will hurt me. Another, problem I have is that my feelings get hurt very easily. I also feel rejection where maybe there really isn't any, just others dealing with their lives the best they can also. My insecurities perceive that as rejection and then I fall back into that old pattern of assuming that I did something wrong and now I have upset them. I have to force myself out of this box because I am finding it easier and easier to not only stay within the imaginary safety box but also within the physical walls and boundaries that surround me. I still wonder if I am living this as a reality or not but at least Im starting to understand which reality!