Over Load!

I havent written for a while because.....well I couldnt! I am suffering from overloaded circuits! I cant straighten my thoughts out, try as I might! Im excited about the changes about to take place and am feeling sad and guilty about being excited! I know they are neccesary...I just hate that they are! I'll be glad when I get the final plans in place....i hate that i cannot bring myself to talk to him about this....I hate that i keep finding out that he is making secret plans too and is hiding money and things from me....and that he has been do this for a very long time..... Im angry at myself for feeling bad about just recently making big changes and feeling guilty about it and he has been deceitful for soooo many more months and years than I....and apparently doesnt feel guilty at all....I cant sleep...I cant eat and my hair is falling out again. And then I go to church and that is where I cry!!!???? How crazy! I dont normally any other time! I felt redicuous...and I know that of all places that is where I should feel the most comfortable to allow myself to feel, fully and honestly.....Maybe I need to talk to someone through the church, besides, my shrink and my friends......I truly try not to unload to my friends....for the past 25 years or so I have been lead to believe that it is weak to do such things....now I have friends that tell me it is okay.....I trust them , I love them and I know if they didnt want to listen , they wouldnt offer.....I also know that keeping things in is killing me! I pray for strength....I need it phyisically, emotionally and spiritually...I need all of this for my children....i have to be strong for them and my parents and yes, I havent forgotten myself.... My application went in today for the townhouse, I should know maybe tomorrow if I will soon be Millcreekite! How im gonna live I havent any idea....maybe now I have made some final decions I can put evenmore efforts on the job front! Someone should be thrilled to get a bank manager wiht 12 years expeience and an impecable record with customer service! (if I do say so myself!!!) I do look forward to that! I know that I will be lonely at first but here I am also lonely - and in a prison....its gotta be better right!? God led me to this intersection for a reason....I can choose to take the same turn, the worn path that I have taken for years and end at this conjuncture in my life or I can choose to finally be brave and follow the path he has lit in front of me. I believe it is time to follow His guiding light and quit staying in the shadow hidden path that is what I have been following. like the worn pony-ride horse....its time for me to break free and see what lies beyond...........its still really darn scary!!! LOL