Reality?

Reality? Is it today or yesterday? Did I dream yesterday? Im slightly hazey on everything...it was a bit of hold your breath and go for it......did I go for the right thing? Am I going to have regrets? Im sure I will at times.... This has been a harder decision than the one to go ahead with the amputation...... that was a foot, an apendage.....my heart has been broken for a long time but now I feel as though I just riped it out of my own chest. I lay in bed last night and thought this REALLY isnt my home now....strange feeling after 20 plus years. I know that in th long run it was the right decision, that in reality, it was the only one. I just wish it didnt have to make me feel so sick.....

Its Alive! Its Alive!!!!

Yep folks!!! Sometimes you just feel like you may be the bride of Frankenstein!!!! Some folks believe you were created to be with this monster and something inside you tells you...absolutely not! I now find myself walking around my house in some kind of dazed, confused fog........I'll be doing my regular things around the house, putting away laundry, vaccuming , dusting and then it dawns on me, in a month, I am sure, I will not even be allowed to pull into the driveway here! The scared, insecure part of me that has ruled me for so long starts to freak out and then the calm secure and brave Leo in me says....dont worry...you can take care of yourself! We dont know how yet....but it will happen...it is meant to be. God put me on this path a little over six years ago. I believe he said to me....'youre not listening. so Im going to shake up your life a little harder. then Im going to place people in your cirle that will help guide you. and those people will put more people in your circle of life that will also help you to realize the proper path for you at this time' God does that to us, you know? We just have to be brave enough to listen...to have faith enough to know that He wants us to be successful in our lives here....all of us. I pray my 'Frankenstein' will be happy and successful! Im going to miss him.......I pray that in the long run, he will no longer hate me for what I am about to do and that we can enjoy our childrens lives separately but at the same time and harmoniously. I still believe in happily ever after ....just not for me with this man. Maybe there will be another.........maybe not. (yea, that thought saddens me) The ruling forces that I have been born into are strong, (sign of Leo, year of the Ox and dont forget Akabal baby!), others I know that have born under those same exact three signs are very strong. I know that I can be creative, strong and reliable also....so with holding my breath and my eyes wide open, I am about to take my first steps as the independent , ex-bride of Frankenstein..........I will be alive ( i just have to remember to breath!!!!LOL)

Over Load!

I havent written for a while because.....well I couldnt! I am suffering from overloaded circuits! I cant straighten my thoughts out, try as I might! Im excited about the changes about to take place and am feeling sad and guilty about being excited! I know they are neccesary...I just hate that they are! I'll be glad when I get the final plans in place....i hate that i cannot bring myself to talk to him about this....I hate that i keep finding out that he is making secret plans too and is hiding money and things from me....and that he has been do this for a very long time..... Im angry at myself for feeling bad about just recently making big changes and feeling guilty about it and he has been deceitful for soooo many more months and years than I....and apparently doesnt feel guilty at all....I cant sleep...I cant eat and my hair is falling out again. And then I go to church and that is where I cry!!!???? How crazy! I dont normally any other time! I felt redicuous...and I know that of all places that is where I should feel the most comfortable to allow myself to feel, fully and honestly.....Maybe I need to talk to someone through the church, besides, my shrink and my friends......I truly try not to unload to my friends....for the past 25 years or so I have been lead to believe that it is weak to do such things....now I have friends that tell me it is okay.....I trust them , I love them and I know if they didnt want to listen , they wouldnt offer.....I also know that keeping things in is killing me! I pray for strength....I need it phyisically, emotionally and spiritually...I need all of this for my children....i have to be strong for them and my parents and yes, I havent forgotten myself.... My application went in today for the townhouse, I should know maybe tomorrow if I will soon be Millcreekite! How im gonna live I havent any idea....maybe now I have made some final decions I can put evenmore efforts on the job front! Someone should be thrilled to get a bank manager wiht 12 years expeience and an impecable record with customer service! (if I do say so myself!!!) I do look forward to that! I know that I will be lonely at first but here I am also lonely - and in a prison....its gotta be better right!? God led me to this intersection for a reason....I can choose to take the same turn, the worn path that I have taken for years and end at this conjuncture in my life or I can choose to finally be brave and follow the path he has lit in front of me. I believe it is time to follow His guiding light and quit staying in the shadow hidden path that is what I have been following. like the worn pony-ride horse....its time for me to break free and see what lies beyond...........its still really darn scary!!! LOL

Never Fear...

Thank you so much my dear, sweet friend for sharing your thoughts with me and not having hit the delete button! I truly do want to understand you better. You know that it is in my nature to want to know how things work, whether it is a human being or a piece of machinery. I feel as though I have missed so much in growing up and maturing in leading my life the way I have so far. I also know that my heart wouldnt be able to stand my going through with the idea of an affair. I would not have done that with the gentleman I mentioned earlier any way....he too is married and I could not have doen that to his marriage. Although I do believe that he has! Is it wrong to openly flirt and indulge in sexual inuendo (sp?)? If I cant deal with all the baggage of an affair then I wish my husband would hurry up and sick of me enough to get a divorce! I have a lot of experimenting to do! Never fear though sis... I always end up doing what is 'right' cause I never want to let anyone down.....that is partially why I am in the position I am today! I never wanted to let people down by waking away from my marriage...I didnt want to let my children down by taking them away from their father...and I didnt want to let my husband down by telling people of the abuse I have endured the past 28 years.....It is just easier to let myself down. So, never fear, I wont let anyone down with my misbehavior...I fear letting them down by my leaving will be all that can endure at first!

Feeling Green.....maybe bluish-green

Yes, the younger is indeed in need of serious boundry setting because of right now he posesses little or no repect for his mother. He is not beyond using her for money and I believe at some level he loves me but he definately does not respect me. He apparently is in need of Auntie Akabal because Mama Akabals cork seems to be stuck in the bottle! Is it really an affair if the heart has already left the marriage? Shouldnt I be getting more experience in both sex and relationships since Ive only experienced one in both arenas? I feel like such a nieve loser some days.....yea that would be today........ I feel as though Im running out of time way too quickly. I feel such an urgency! There are so many people Id like to meet and so much Id like to experience.... I guess im not feeling very profound tonight, just spent.......

Argh!!

Well, it was a good idea to get away and become centered......it was a slice of heaven! Okay...real life is back! I much prefer my life outside of this town, this house....whatever it is! Three days back and all the anxiety is back. This is oh so confusing. I think I rediscover myself and in three days I am back to doubting everyword I speak, every move I make and every decision is an indicision. How can two people do that to me so quickly and so easily? (I know, better yet, how do I allow, two people o do that to me?) I know in my heart that not all men are horrible....but there are so many that are that I dont know if I'll ever be able to trust one in my life again.... yesterday, I see a man I havent seen in almost two years. He propositions me to have an affair. Today, I am back home and am ripped to shreds by two males who supposedly care for me, to the point where I cant stop shaking and I know sleep will not come easily. I try to do good and behave why does everything turn out like this? Am I reaping what I sow? I dont think so.......It just leaves me with saying, Argh!

Transformation Information

These past three days has been filled with exciting and sometimes confusing information, information that I have filed in my brain as Transformation Information...... Though my initial drive behind this long weekend was to relax and and become centered, I realized that it is going to take a while to learn to completely relax. I also wonder, is it possible to "completely" do this! I believe it will be an art I will have to learn or maybe relearn. I do however, feel more centered than I have in a long time. (Still, slightly off center, but thats what keeps life interesting...staying lopsided and still head sraight!) I have been afforded the wonderful opportunity to see first hand that two people can be a married couple and NOT compromise themself. That yes, there may be differences, and it is okay! You dont have to lose yourself , either of you, to be a wonderful, content, happy couple! That you can serve God as you please, and that a couples relationship is that much richer if you can share that closeness with God and yourself! What an amazing gift to give yourself and your mate! I aspire to that for myself ....and my two children! I am afraid, sometimes, that I have ruined my children for life! That they have not had a well rounded adult married couple to see as role models for a healthy relationship, though nothing on this earth is completely perfect (since, Eden, we have not been!) I believe I have two friends that compliment each other very well in an amazing relationship! They love and nuture themselves their mate and others so openly, it almost takes your breath away to come away with the realization that all this is possible! I believe it is their openess, their respect for themselves and each other, their relationship with God and church and the freedom to be an individual that creates this amazing situation! Which brings me to the movie, Brokeback Mountain......its not a movie about sex and sexual orientaion...its a movie about relationships and a persons ability to be true to oneself and to others. Yes, I did see where it pertains to myself .....and yes, that makes me sad too. Oh well, I dont have to be like the Heath Ledger character and become a waste of human potential...I can resurect myself and learn to love myself.....I am trying to see what others see....my glasses are dirty and bit scratched tho so I am going to have to work a little harder at it! LOL I do have to say tho that it makes me sad to see the waste of human potential in my husband...that is truly sad and he doesnt seem to want to be helped to bring back his old self...the man I fell in love with....at 50 years old, he has let life beat him down and refuses to see it that way or to pick himself up by his boot staps to revive himself. That is really very sad. I just got off the phone with my son tho and I now have a renewd sense that maybe all will not be lost with him and and I may not have to worry so much about having "ruined" him........he says he will go to church with me next weekend!!! I am very excited!!! I cant wait for him to see my new church and meet the wonderful people I am meeting! and he will meet Wayne and see for hmself that a man can be strong and caring and love God and his wife and himself and treat all with respect and still have enough of himself that he can afford to show that love and respect to friends and other member of the human race. Oh Celeste, maybe Derrick did just need to get away to get a new perspective and maybe clear his head so that he may hear God calling him too! (your prayers for my family are working.....hehe...thank you!) Oh yes, and thank you for helping to be my navigator!!!! This will be a fun trip!!!!

A Bumpy Ride.....

Well, my dear, you didnt know about this because I never told anyone. After I set it up, I realized or should I say felt at the time, that it was , well, rather embarrassing. I may feel differently now. I honestly am so surprised that you found it.....I had pretty much buried it to the dark corners of my mind. Feeling as if it were just one ore embarrassing blunder....somehow, though, I am feeling better about it. So, as I sit here typing, I am trying to recall my exact reasons for starting this blog. I think it was to get the input of others starting on the new adventure of self discovery. Most people, I believe are many people rolled into one. Sometimes they meld in a positive way and enhance each other. Some are ones we have created to fit in...to be loved and excepted ...and that is where I come in. To realize after 25 years of marriage that you have not been true to yourself is quite an eye opener. To know that while you used to admire the person you married, you no longer and that they have never admired your true self and have not allowed you to be yourself. Especially, while you have nurtured them and allowed them to be just who they had chosen they wanted to be. Oh, I have thought this off and on throught those 25 years but would quickly dimiss the thought. Now at the wonderful age of 45, I can no longer do that. I miss that old person, I liked many aspects of that old person... and I want her back. I want to be creative, spontaneous, outgoing and friendly....and I miss church! Now at 20 years with and added benefit of 25 years of life experience I believe I can move forward with that. With the help of some awesome friends, I know that I can fnd the courage to do just that! So here we go Celeste! Thank you for giving me the love and strength to move forward...thank you for being a wonderful role model for being true to ones own self.....its going to be a bumpy ride but one that will be much worth the adventure and the trip!